This Weeks HORRORSCOPES
My name is Dave and the universe does not care about your feelings, so neither do I., I'm not gonna tell you that "abundance is flowing your way," or that, "the universe has a plan for you." The universe doesn't have a plan; it has laws, and most of them involve things burning out or crashing into each other. I'm just here to translate the celestial white noise into the uncomfortable truths you ignore. I'll be the cold water to the face of your spiritual delusions.
That's right. I've traded my telescope for a glass of cheap scotch and a deadline I've already missed. So lets hurry up and look at your little charts and see exactly how you're planning on getting in your own way this week. Don't expect free lunch.
♈ Aries (March 21-April 19)
Mercury is in retrograde, which means absolutely nothing for your actual life but everyone will blame it anyway. This week you'll lose your keys. Not because of planetary alignment—because you put them somewhere stupid. Check the refrigerator.
♎ Libra (September 23-October 22)
Balance is important to you. So is the balance in your checking account. The stars suggest you'll achieve equilibrium this week, but the stars are balls of burning plasma 4+ light-years away, so take that with appropriately-sized salt crystals.
♉ Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The stars indicate you will have a conversation this week. Probably multiple conversations. I'm not paid enough to tell you what they'll be about. Venus is doing something. Moving, I assume. They all move.
♏ Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Something mysterious will happen this week. You'll wonder where that smell is coming from. It's the leftovers in the back of your fridge. Pluto is no longer a planet, and this matters exactly as much to your love life as you'd expect.
♊ Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Your dual nature means you'll want pizza AND Chinese food this week. You'll order pizza. The moon's gravitational pull has the same effect on your decision-making as it does on a parking meter, which is zero.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
You're a fire sign, which has nothing to do with your actual combustion temperature. Adventure calls this week. It will go to voicemail. You'll listen to it later and feel vaguely guilty about not being more spontaneous.
♋ Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You're a water sign, which means you should drink water this week. Eight glasses. This is actual health advice, not astrology. I have a PhD in molecular biology and I'm writing horoscopes. Stay hydrated.
♑ Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Saturn is your ruling planet. Saturn has 146 moons and can't rule any of them. This week you'll work hard because that's what you do regardless of what's happening 746 million miles away. The universe is indifferent to your productivity.
♌ Leo (July 23-August 22)
The sun is in your house. Not your actual house—that would be a catastrophic solar event. You'll feel confident this week, statistically speaking, because it's Tuesday through Monday and human emotions fluctuate. Correlation is not causation.
♒ Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
You're an air sign. Air is 78% nitrogen, 21% oxygen, and 1% other gases including argon. This week you'll breathe approximately 11,000 liters of it. You'll also have an idea. Maybe two ideas. The cosmic energy is irrelevant to your neurochemistry.
♍ Virgo (August 23-September 22)
You will organize something this week. A drawer, probably. Maybe a spreadsheet. The position of Jupiter relative to Saturn has no bearing on this. You're just like that. I checked your personality profile—wait, no, I didn't. I don't care.
♓Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Neptune is doing whatever Neptune does—being gaseous and far away. You'll feel emotional this week, which is a function of your limbic system, not stellar radiation. You'll also eat fish. Maybe. I don't know. This is my last one and I'm out of coffee.